Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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