My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The ass gains better be worth it
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