last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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