I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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