I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
