she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
