I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
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