Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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