I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't deserve a penis
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
