hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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