sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
God, I missed his penis.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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