I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
