I'd wear matching sweaters with you
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
