If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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