I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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