i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
