i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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