my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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