Old men and throwing up are my life now.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Come on in and take your pants off
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