Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
