My underwear smells like fireworks.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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