I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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