do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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