So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I intend to get homeless drunk
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
