My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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