Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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