the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize