if i can run in heels then i can drive
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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