If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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