i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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