I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My pussy is not your playground.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
