She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm jealous of your bromance
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
