I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
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