What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
