hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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