what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
