So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
