My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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