i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
