The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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