i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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