the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
