he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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