she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
