just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
