nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
