I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
please come you make the beer taste better
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
