I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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