i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
