I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
there is glitter all over my balls
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
