i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
