You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
