fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
